Dear Tom & Staci,
I am newly single after 20 years of marriage, I am finally happy, and consider myself to be young at heart at the age of 53. I was recently contacted by a guy from high school, I had a major crush on back in the day. He messaged me and confessed he also had the hots for me in high school. While on FB, he asked me for my phone number, saying he would like to stay in touch. I, of course said yes, and we have been texting now for a little over two months. The sharing between us has been amazing, but it has all taken place through text. We have confided in each other many of our deepest, darkest secrets. He lives over 900 miles away, but, I let him know this is not a deal breaker for me, and I would like to explore a relationship with him. It seems we think about each other CONSTANTLY; and yet he keeps telling me he's not ready for a relationship. He mentioned last week that he might be ready sometime in the next year. Because of this, I am having a hard time engaging on my dating sites, and dating in general really, because I just can't stop thinking about him. I am so confused, what should I do? Wait around for a year, or move on? I am really needing some help with this.
Sincerely,
Delphine
Great question Delphine, so let’s talk about it.
Last week, we introduced you to the 6 Checkpoints To Toe Tingling Love. Today I'm going to use these checkpoints to help out Delphine, and perhaps a few others along the way.
When you are fresh out of a long-term relationship it feels odd and uncomfortable. Being in a relationship is what feels familiar, so we tend to rush into another relationship with the “next best thing” that comes along. Ah, it feels comfortable again, doesn’t it? This, together with the blissful feelings of newfound love, is the fastest and easiest way to transport us out of our current reality, and into pleasure…FAST. It's the primary reason we create rebound relationships!
I encourage you to slow down…pause, take a breath. We make the journey back to extraordinary love much more difficult for ourselves when we jump back in too quickly. It creates emotional chaos instead of the escape from pain we were hoping for.
Take some time to nurture and rediscover YOU! Take the time to discover Delphine as a single person, not the Delphine who was in a relationship for 20 years. Things have changed now, and so have you!
What does Single Delphine like to do for fun? Who are Single Delphine’s good friends? What does Single Delphine want to do on a Friday night? NOT what compromise is Single Delphine is going to do to make her partner happy? But, what YOU actually want to do!
Take yourself on dates. Go on dates with others.
Take yourself to an event YOU want to go to.
Take yourself on dates. Go on dates with others. Take yourself to an event YOU want to go to. Find someone you are interested in and go to an event with them. It’s just as important to focus on you as it is finding another partner. If you take the time to do this, you will have a much easier time finding the extraordinary love we talk about, otherwise, you find someone “good enough.” And then you'll become disenchanted months later because you created a relationship based on an old version of yourself, not the reinvention of you that is sure to come from all your past experiences.
Next...
Ah, the text messaging. Texting is fun, but can also be used as a way to not move on and grow from our past, as we hide behind devices to keep ourselves safe.
Texting is a great way to initially reach out to someone, but not a great way to truly get to know someone and build intimacy. The fact that your relationship was created through text is concerning, and here is why:
It’s so easy to share your soul to a little screen because there is something separating the two of you. This makes confessions almost innocent. We feel we can say ANYTHING by putting it on the screen because we aren’t face-to-face.
The real problem with this is…your relationship isn’t real. Ouch, I know, but you’re having a relationship with your phone, not with this person. Real relationships happen in person not through a device.
Which brings us to...
He lives 900 miles away. Navigating a long distance relationship takes a lot of commitment and intention to make it happen, and when the relationship is growing, weathering the times you’re not together become painful. Even though this isn’t a deal breaker for you, it doesn’t sound like he is interested in making anything happen. Again, if the two of you are not making an effort to spend time TOGETHER IN PERSON…you’re busy creating NOTHING.
His next statement only highlights the fact that there really isn’t a relationship there:
“He's not ready for a relationship, he might be ready sometime in the next year.”
What the heck does this mean? It sounds like another excuse to maintain distance.
What will happen a year from now that is going to magically make it possible for him to want to be in a relationship?
And more importantly, what are you going to be missing out on in your own life by waiting an entire year hoping for love instead of creating some?
You’re stuck at Checkpoint 3.
Bottom line...don't wait!
What is happening here is not a real relationship for you, and will likely keep you emotionally exhausted, and waste your time!
We provide daily advice like this in our amazing Samba community. When you connect with someone, online or offline, and they are not willing to get face to face with you…walk away.
There is something going on with them that you don’t want to be a part of.
So, Delphine, what should you do?
Say to him, “This has been fun but it’s not going anywhere, and it is time for me to invite someone into my life who is ready, who can share with me face-to-face, and who is willing to create and grow a real relationship with me.”
“Thank you, but it is now time for me to move on…“
Please do yourself a favor and don’t try to fix him, force him into a relationship with you, or blame him for what has happened here, simply move on.
And for heaven’s sake, DON’T respond to any begging, pleading, or threats.
If a relationship is what you truly desire, you must stop wasting your precious time and emotional energy on something that is not going to produce a real relationship and is certainly not going to return to you the love you truly desire.
I can hear you saying now “But what if he really IS the one, and all I need to do is wait?”
Questions like these never get us anywhere productive, instead, they just cause us to stay stuck.
Ask yourself this instead: “What if I’m missing out on the ONE because I’m waiting and not creating?”
Don’t allow anyone to prevent you from living, expressing, and loving in the here and now. This is your life, and each day that passes, is a day you cannot take back. Don’t waste them!
Next, get clear on you Deal Breakers, and stick to them.
And above all, honor and value yourself, this is what will ensure you experience the real love that is sure to tingle your toes.
And that goes for the rest of you too! (Wink)