What shade of grey are you?

By Tom Bartley

A couple Friday nights ago Staci and I stepped into the highly charged waters surrounding the new movie Fifty Shades of Grey. We arrived early in time to purchase Staci’s large popcorn and Coke (a movie only tradition in our house). To our surprise, the audience at our showing appeared young, and with a noticeable amount of what seemed to be nervous energy and laughter before the movie started.

I have not read the book the movie is based on, nor do I profess to be a go-to person regarding the movie or book. This movie seems to have stirred a significant amount of conversation and emotion, and my sense is due to its sexual nature and message.   

As I left the movie, I was surprised about all the intense media and social network conversation associated with Fifty Shades of Grey. My movie experience was a confirmation and knowing of two of the most important tenants of love and relationship from my vantage point and experience.   

1. Love is the largest experience in life as a human being.
2. Love has a need to be physically expressed.   

I have always found it most beneficial for myself to look within rather to judge a situation, especially when it’s centered around a subject where there are so many varied opinions. I’m confident the topics of love, sex, and intimacy definitely evoke many varying opinions, feelings, and experiences. And the amount of intense conversation seems to confirm my thesis.

Christian and Anastasia, the two main characters in the movie, come from very different backgrounds and life experiences. Anastasia meets Christian unexpectedly, as Anastasia steps in for her sick college roommate and interviews Christian, a very wealthy and successful businessman. 

I’m confident most of us would be excited with the many first experiences a wealthy partner may offer us when starting a relationship. I myself have been blessed to take two helicopter rides in my life and they both were fabulous. The movie progresses, like things also do in real life when two people continue in a relationship, more of their entire and whole person emerges.

Our needs, wants, and preferences being revealed and exposed to our partner is a very vital and important part of the chemistry for sex and intimacy. The finest definition I have ever heard for intimacy is “into me you see.” While partaking in intimacy, you are hopefully allowing your partner a window and deep view into the depths of your total being.   

As the movie progressed, it became clear for me that Anastasia and Christian were seeking very different experiences and connection, certainly at the sexual and intimate level. I feel it’s important to remind ourselves the importance of clarity. Regardless of what the initial outer picture may suggest, we need to ask what have we clearly defined for ourselves? Aligning with a partner where there is mutual agreement in these very crucial areas of a relationship is very important.

There are no shortcuts to this process, no matter how hard we have all tried to seek first the partner with a beautiful car, an incredible home, successful career, or model looks and appearances. These attributes may or may not align with your non-negotiable relationship needs and wants. A much more important question and conversation for all of us is truly what shade of grey are we?   

Who needs acceptance? YOU!

By Staci Welch-Bartley

“Yes I did!” shouted my grandson with tears streamed down his face. “No you didn’t!” replied the eight other grandkids I was caring for.

The grandson claiming that he had indeed brushed his teeth ran to me in a full-blown tizzy!  “Grandma, tell them that I brushed my teeth! I did. I swear. Make them believe it!” he wailed.

How many times do we experience a grown-up version of this scenario in our relationships? We have something that we know in our hearts to be true for ourselves, and it upsets us because we can’t seem to get our partner to agree with our truth. We somehow get caught up in needing their approval to validate what we already know and desire in our hearts.

A great saying that comes to mind is, “The best way to gain self-approval is to not need it.”

Another saying that rings true on this subject is from my big brother Greg, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one! Just do your thing!” 

In relationships, we spend so much of our time and energy doing what my grandson was doing. We desperately seek and work to obtain the approval, acceptance, and “buy in” from our partner. We believe somehow that if we don’t obtain this much-needed stamp of approval, what we know to be true disappears, and when it does, it must and cannot be true for ourselves any longer. So then we fight.

To help with this, here are a few quick reminders to think about:

1. We all have different experiences that we bring into a relationship.
2. We all have different perceptions of any given situation.
3. Our opinions come from our experiences, or the lack of experience in some cases.
4. We all have different needs, wants, and places of personal growth that are unique to us.
5. Instead of approval, we are better off to gain understanding, support and, perhaps at times a bit of help, in spite of opinions.
6. It is healthy in your relationship to “agree to disagree” on topics and issues you do not see eye to eye on.
7. Honor and respect your partner for their differences. This is what keeps life fun, interesting and personal growth and evolution moving forward. (This is probably responsible for why you fell in love with them in the first place.)

The next time you want to scream and throw a fit because you are not getting the validation and approval you are seeking, take a breath. Remember what my big brother says about opinions and smile. Then go about validating and accepting fabulous you for all of your uniqueness!

Jill came tumbling after...

By Staci Welch-Bartley

Tom and I were just getting ready to climb onto our respective massage tables in the couple’s room of Massage Envy when he shared with me that my son and his son had a verbal fight filled with hurtful accusations towards each other. My heart sank as I received the news. I had such a grand picture of what our independent families were going to be like when combined.  My head was filled with blissful connections, closeness, sharing, and togetherness. I had good reason for this, as Tom and I share such an incredible list of values where we are aligned. Loyalty, emphasis on family first, being there to love and support our children through the challenging situations life often brings. Surely because of this, we could together pull off the perfect blended family, right?

All at once while on the massage table, I became keenly aware of the potential slippery slope that Tom and I were facing as a couple. The attributes I said we shared above were now appearing to be more of a curse rather than a blessing. Loyalty to family stood out. Because of our loyalty to our respective families, there had already been comments between us in our brief exchange about the boys that indicated we were both beginning to stand up for our sons. I began to imagine us saying things like, “I can’t believe your son did son this!” and “Oh yeah, well your son did that!” And, the next thing you know Tom and I would be divided as a couple because of our intense loyalty to our kids.

By the time I crawled off of the table I had come to the realization that what had transpired between the boys was not my biggest challenge. How Tom and I were going to split our loyalties in this situation was the bigger challenge. All at once I found myself committed to doing whatever I could to communicate to Tom that my desire was to make sure that this event did not create division between us. My desire was for Tom and I to stand strong and unified, while inviting the boys to work out the upset between them. We communicated to the boys that we would both be there to love them as we encouraged them to seek resolution. Which is easy to say, and much more difficult to do. 

Tom and I were immediately thrown into the difficult position of striving to love and support our individual sons, while not pointing fingers and blaming each other, nor insisting one of us needed to side with any one point of view. We did not need to choose who was right and who was wrong for our relationship to remain true to the love and loyalty we had for each other. I am not going to lie; this was a very very slippery slope for us that was navigated with long heartfelt conversations, and many tears shared between us. In the end though, it added strength and deeper connection to our marriage.

When it comes to blended families, it is important that we remember and practice loving our partner first. Remember, this was the reason for creating this blended family in the first place. We fell in love and created dreams of a life together. It is so easy to get lost in all of the moving parts of a blended family if we become judgmental, or insist our partner must choose our parenting style and abandon their own. It’s important to give each person the space to love their children as they see fit, and stay focused on loving your partner above all else. 

If Tom and I did not have the foresight and ability to keep our relationship the primary focus as well as being able to authentically share with each other without judgment, this tale could gone something like this instead:

“Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after!”

Swimming In Supply

By Tom Bartley

Last Friday I was listening to a national talk radio show while driving in my car. The talk show host was talking about Valentine’s Day… now take a breath, as I sense Valentine’s Day brings up many different feelings and emotions for us, depending on where we are or have been in our personal journey of relationships.

The host of the radio show shared with amazement, that according to his research there are currently 1,500 dating sites and apps now in use. I asked myself if I heard that correctly. Then I thought, “No way possible." The host went on to share the figure again, in addition to the fact that 40 million people in the US are currently using these dating sites. I pulled my car over to the side of the road to capture in writing these pieces of information, as I was blown away by these two statistics.

One would have to literally live in a cave, as to not notice of be aware of the proliferation of online dating. Although, I would wager not many of us would have guessed the current number of dating sites, nor the fact that there are 40 million US customers. For me, it was one those times when you hear a piece of information or data and it really sticks with you, and stirs up questions and self inquiry within.

I am excited and grateful to be on the planet now, in this time of technological innovation, progress and advancement, whereby we can possibly meet and connect with human beings across our county, state, country and world. Yes, this is wonderful evidence of progress and a shrinking of the world so to speak.

In the world of economics when there is an abundance of supply, value typically falls or recedes. I am not suggesting human relationships should be categorized the same as economics; however the thought raised several important observations within me.

At Lease On Love, we deeply believe people are designed and DNA blue printed for deep connection with another human being. How else can we explain all the many relationship peaks, valleys, joys, frustrations, fears that most of us have freely chosen to participate in at some point in our life time. Many of us emerge from a challenging relationship and swear “never again," yet from my view and observation, most, if not all of us, ultimately step back into relationship again and again.

I have a sense online dating is here for the long term. Here are several suggestions crafted through the lens of Lease On Love, for the many among us choosing to navigate the online dating waters:

· Post a recent photograph of yourself in your profile. I have heard countless stories, including some from family members where the online photo does match the story when meeting in person.

· When creating your profile, be authentic. Create and paint a picture of your true essence. Is the description of yourself offering you a real possibility to honestly and truly connect with another person, instead of presenting qualities and attributes you feel are popular and trending at this time in the online profile space?      

· When meeting with your new online date in person, show up 100% and be totally authentic, rather than trying to be liked and incongruent with your true self. Remember that there are no failed relationships. We are always offered an opportunity to learn and grow with each and every relationship, provided we cease to measure relationship success with time, how long did it last.

· Trust the process and allow the relationship to unfold on its own timetable. Why do we often feel a sense of urgency, rather than an appreciation of this new relationship experience?

As we embrace and navigate all the new and increased opportunities to connect with other human beings across all borders and boundaries, I encourage all of us to remember this sage quote from Leo Buscaglia from his book Loving Each Other:

“It’s up to us to give our relationships a chance. There is nothing greater in life than loving another and being loved in return, for loving is the ultimate of experiences."  

Can we expand our capacity to love?

By Tom Bartley

For 28 years, often in the very early morning hours, I was blessed and grateful to expand and increase my physical stamina and fitness through riding either a mountain or road bicycle with a very accomplished triathlete and long distance athlete. 

Looking back from when I first started riding with my long time training partner and friend Bob in 1982, I marvel at what transpired through a steady and consistent practice to expanding my capacity for physical stamina and fitness. Could I have known when I first started back in 1982 what was ahead of me, or all that I was going to challenge myself with in the ensuing 28 years of 3-4 days every week for 28 years? Not even close. As over the years of my steady and consistent physical fitness practice, my expansion and growth pleasantly surprised me. Additionally, I am not the usual “bike riding size” person, as I stand 6ft 2in tall and weigh 210 +/- pounds. I quickly learned my friend Bob was not a flat lander.  We rode in the northern California foothills and elevation where size and body mass are not your friends. I was usually willing and open to the possibility, although there were definitely moments whereby I questioned my ability to expand to the distance and challenge Bob was proposing next, although my physical confidence and fitness was always continuing to expand and increase since day one of our training practice.

Since the moment I was given the gift of meeting Staci four years ago, and now being her husband, best friend, and business partner, I have been challenged again to expand myself. However, this time it’s not in the exercise and fitness area, rather in the equally or more important area of love and relationship.  Mine and Staci’s love and family creation, and all its wonder, is filled with many moving parts. We have 8 children, 11 grandchildren and we both come from large, loving families too. Staci and I also realize our “clan” will be continuing to grow and expand for many years to come; we are just getting started as we do the math.

Have there been some “bumps” in our road, often navigating our daily moving parts...oh heavens yes. Similar to my growth and expansion in my physical fitness journey, I have challenged myself to navigate our many moving parts with a view of love expansion, rather than love contraction. For those of you who exercise on the regular basis, you know the key to expanding our ability for increased fitness and muscularity is to stress our bodies, in a variety of disciplines, resulting in an expanded capacity for biking, weight resistance training, yoga, Pilates, dance, etc.

Are there times in the past when I have been concerned and challenged at my ability to expand my capacity to love my now larger family, and its human tapestry of life stories and journeys, and what I know is coming in our ever expanding family…of course. I also know deep within me, it’s never too late to learn and expand anything for which we have a potential and possibility within us. I also know deep within me, we cannot exhaust our ability to grow and expand our capacity to love, provided we are open, willing and ready for the challenge. One opportunity, one test, or one relationship at a time.   

We all have the potential for love. However, I’ve not ever seen true potential realized without work, practice, demonstration and expression. This work does not have to mean pain, or a renewed love practice filled with shame, guilt, or blame. This is often times our “story” around relationships, especially around relationships that may have ended. I know my ability to expand in love is learned, practiced and expressed best in wonder, in joy, in peace, in living, and a commitment to keep on keeping on, even when I sometimes question my capacity to expand and grow in love. How about you?