How To Understand And Create Romantic Love

By Staci Welch-Bartley

Romantic love has paid us a visit, and has graciously asked our help in setting a few things straight.

The fact that very few human beings on the planet are enjoying all that love has to offer was love’s complaint. How did things become so confusing and complex? Love should be easy according to the laws of the universe. Love happens naturally, or at least it was meant to. 

Love went on to state, “Don’t people know that I am here to enrich their lives? Don’t they know that I create incredible adventure? Don’t they know that I am the ultimate experience? The highest of highs, and the lowest of lows…”

“They reject me because they do not want to experience the lows…but wait…don’t they realize that is when they should celebrate me the most? For it is by experiencing the lows my value is irreplaceable! It is when you are in the lowest of lows that you are able to grow anew; by reaching deep inside you will discover pieces of yourself that have been overlooked while things are going well. They are lying dormant waiting patiently to be discovered. It is only when you are low that you will dig deep enough to find them. This is what you have asked for and need to become all that you can be; don’t blame me!” said love.

“Do you have a guarantee?” I asked. “Or, perhaps this would help your plea? Maybe a promise of forever once you have visited me?”

Love dropped its gaze and shook its head and said, “This will never be. You see, no guarantee, no plea, and no promise of forever will be found with me. Those will rob you of the gifts I give, the thrill of surprise and adventure through boldly facing the unknown. Those times are when you are willing to risk it all, let go, and fall deeply.”

So then I asked, “Well how are we to find you love? Where shall we look?”

Love answered, “You need look no further than something that puts a smile upon your face. When you have this quickly share it, and share it fast. That is all it takes.”

I said, “Really love? That is is it? Sounds like instead I might need to pray?”

Love giggled, “You can if you’d like, please do, it never hurts. But If I were you…I would focus more on play.”

The Same Ol' Relationship Answers & Advice

"Because that is the way it is!"

I have always hated that as an answer! I got it a lot when I was growing up. You have to admit that it is a pretty bad answer to common questions…especially when it comes to familiar questions we ask about love and marriage.

Have you ever asked these things?

Why can’t I be happy with a partner that is not my same religion, culture, or race? Maybe I want to expand my understanding and possibilities…

Why is wondering if I am gay something to be ashamed of? 

Why am I not taught how to develop my sexuality when it clearly becomes such an important part of my ability to create physical intimacy with my special someone?

I have said many times we should be talking more about sex and poop, for these are the things that create a long and happy life! “STACI, for heaven sakes,” my mother would sternly say. “Don’t say things like that!”

“Why?” was my reply.

“Because that is the way it is!” she answered.

GRRRR!

And…why is it not ok to speak up for myself, and ask for what I want, and express myself fully?

Why must I hide my true feelings? And what about when you attack me, why can’t I stand up for myself?  Why must I sit there and take it or try to make the situation better?

Does not sharing my feelings make relationships work better?  If so, then why do I feel so empty?

And what is this "commitment" thing when it comes to love…

Why do we need to get married? Does getting married create more love?

And why do we measure the success of a marriage by how long it lasts, does that really matter?

Is it more important for me to be in a committed relationship for time or for happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction and joy for however long it lasts?

Why do we treat people who have children out of wedlock as bad and wrong?

Isn’t it more important to focus on their ability to love and support those same children into becoming extraordinary, loving adults?

Why is commitment so scary?

Why do I feel trapped?

What if I feel I choose the wrong partner, or I change my mind, or really screw things up, does that make me a horrible person or a failure at love?

“Many of us are pawns in a game of love we don’t understand.” – Leo Buscaglia

And when someone asks me how many relationships I’ve had, when do I start counting? Do I begin counting with my first grade school crush, or my first kiss? The first time I went steady with a “real” boyfriend that walked me home from school in seventh grade? Or my first actual date in high school? (Man he was sooooo cute!) Or do I begin counting from my college days when I sensed I was truly in love for the first time?

Or am I to count only the times I was actually married? Or only the men I had children with? Or just my “serious” relationships after the age of 30?

How about this…

Why do we count at all? What is it all supposed to mean when I come to a final tally, anyhow?

Aren’t we all just growing and learning about relationships anyway, and with each relationship ultimately contributing to who we are becoming now?

Have you ever noticed that there are no formal studies when it comes to love and relationships? Mostly just opinions, attitudes, and judgments?

Haven’t you just been told many times, “Because that is the way it is..."

What do you say we change that?!

All You Need is LOVE

By Staci Welch-Bartley

I have a very early memory of swinging on my rusty pipe-welded swing set on a bright sunlit day. I was four, or possibly five years old at the time. I remember staring up at the glowing blue sky and thought if I could perhaps swing high enough I could touch the clouds with my feet floating by. I was pumping with all my might in hopes of accomplishing this feat, when I was completely overcome with the strong emotion of love. I know this sounds strange, but it was so intense, I immediately stopped swinging. I sat on my swing and looked up at the sky again, and then around at the green grass and flowers in the yard while tears ran from my eyes and my heart beat out of my chest. I knew at that very moment I was completely loved by everything in the universe, and that I loved everything. I remember having a conscious thought about the fact that I even loved all the people that were mentally challenged because that was the most unusual and scary thing I could think of in that moment.

I have reflected many times on this experience in my life. I have had the opportunity to love and accept people from many races, religions, and cultures. I have been privileged to cross many of these boundaries with great ease. I wonder if it is because of my experience on the swing that day. 

Why is it so difficult for us to allow people to be different and unique? Why do we struggle to accept and embrace the differences that make us individuals? Why do we feel so threatened by the simple thing of people having a different song to sing on their life’s journey or a varying opinion? We seem to be so critical and judgmental of others and ourselves in our society. Does this come from feelings of inadequacies from within us? We are all so hard on ourselves. There seems to be an enormous pressure to fit in, to be smart, and to appear that we have it all together! We are our own worst critics. Why are we so afraid to stand up for our beliefs when they don’t fit in with everyone else’s or wear something out of fashion when we feel like it? Why do we struggle with the ability to challenge others opinions when we don’t agree? Or ask for what it is we need from others? Why are we so fearful of being all that we are, in all of our glorious uniqueness?

I am reminded of a speech that comes from Marianne Williamson that I am sure most of you are familiar with, however is always a good reminder. In it she states, “We ask ourselves, who am I to be beautiful, talented, smart, and successful…who are you not to be? You are a child of God.  It is not our darkness but our light that frightens us. You playing small does not serve the world.  When you refuse to be anything less than all that you are, you give permission for others to do the same.”

I have discovered something about myself, and that is the more I can love, accept, and embrace myself, the more I seem to be able to extend this love and acceptance to others.  A good friend of mine once said, “There is nobody out there!” What he meant by this is that every thing and everyone is a creation of our own universe, our own reality. Therefore if we change what is inside, our thoughts, feelings, intentions, we can manifest different circumstances, relationships and events in our lives. Perhaps the experience I had at four was because I was completely in love with myself so I loved the world around me.

Could the answers to all of this be so simple? Could it be that we actually need to learn to love ourselves, and loving others will come naturally? Could it be one of the truths in life that are so simple yet not so easy?

I feel the following quote by George Bernard Shaw speaks to this question:

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose. Recognized by yourself as a mighty one, by being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community. And as long as I live it is my privilege, to do for it whatever I can.  I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch, which I’ve got to make burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”

It is my true heart’s desire that we may, as a whole group, a community, and a world, do whatever is necessary to ensure that when the torch is handed down to the next generation, that it is done so with great love and acceptance of ourselves first and then to others.

It’s not really that hard is it?

Dating After Divorce...Is Telling The Truth Really A Good Idea?

By Staci Welch-Bartley

“When should I tell a person that I am dating about my transgender son?” asked one of my clients.

I looked into her eyes and drew in a long breath and my client waited intently for my answer.  “Let me ask you a question.” I replied. Her shoulders dropped and she gasped as she realized I wasn’t going to just give her the answer.  “You always gotta make me work for it, don’t ya?” she teased. “Ok what’s your question?” she sighed. 

So I asked my client to imagine she was looking at accepting a position at a new company. I said, “Even if you are really excited about the work you’d be doing at the new job, wouldn’t you want all of the information and details about your potential job duties and the and details about the company as a whole before you committed? Things like your salary and the holiday, vacation, and sick pay? You’d ask what skills and duties will be required of you, what days do you’d need to work, and how many hours a day they’d need you, among other things.”

“Why yes of course.” my client replied.

I continued. “What if you accepted this job and after the first week you realize that what you have been told is not the situation or your experience at all. Actually there were a lot of details about the duties of the job, like the times they needed you and your benefits promised that were not shared with you. The job turned out to be much different than what you agreed and committed to. How would you feel about your job?” 

“Well I would probably quit!” she impatiently professed.

I asked, “Even if you were really close with your boss? Even if you had a deep friendship established between the two of you before accepting the job?”

“Yes, I probably would,” replied my client, “because I would have felt lied too.”

“Exactly!” I shouted out!

“Why then would you want to withhold details about your life when inviting another person to come and be a part of your world? Are you thinking like most of us do that you will get them to fall in love with you first before you pull the REAL you out of the bag and surprise them…Do you not think they deserve to truly know all the details necessary to make a clear choice before choosing to commit fully? Isn’t this what you hope you are getting from the man your dating? Also, you want him to commit fully if you decided to move forward don’t you, and not be in this relationship because he feels obligated…you want him to commit to you just because he loves and desires to be with you right?” I asked.

“Yes, yes of course,” she replied.

“Then share yourself so he can truly choose in and you can feel good about being YOU! Otherwise, you are setting yourselves up for a short relationship journey. After all, having a transgendered son makes you colorful, fascinating, and unique. It serves as the perfect filter for finding that special someone with whom you can deeply love and connect with and he has the desire to reciprocate.” I continued.

In business, they call this your USP or Unique Selling Proposition! In relationships, we call it your UCP or Unique Connection Proposition. Now use it to your advantage!

What is your UCP? Boldly own it, claim it, and share it with us…

How many failures does it take to find happiness in relationships?

By Staci Welch-Bartley

“ANOTHER FAILURE TO ADD TO MY LONG LIST OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT DID NOT WORK OUT FOR ME,” I screamed to myself! 

Another round of those deep sick feelings began to build in the pit of my stomach, along with the need to crawl in a hole somewhere quick. And then came the sleepless nights as my mind refused to shut up with thoughts of “how did this happen?” and “I thought this one was different?” What was wrong with me? Would I ever get this love thing figured out? And then the original thought of emotional escape came to me. Maybe I should call that guy I met at the coffee shop…he said all I had to do was call. No no, bad idea! So I decided to just give up, and forget about relationships…they never worked out anyway.

I took a breath, closed my eyes in spite of the tears, and attempted to re-gather my thoughts. I asked myself what each of my relationships had given me, was there anything more than the pain that I was feeling?

Here is the conversation I had with myself:

“OK. Well there is Rex, he gave me a place of refuge and a sense of belonging when my sense of safety at home was compromised, so grateful… And let’s see…Quinn taught me about the different levels of passion, when I kissed him it was like kissing my brother and I finally called it quits! Dale was so extraordinarily different he expanded me physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, and gave me incredible children. He is also the reason that I was not allowed to stay in the safe cocoon of my religion.  Shit it use to piss me off when he would come home after a few day binge and blow my perfect happy religious family paradigm sky high! Because of your contribution to my life Dale, I finally realized I had a choice…GROW or DIE!  Thank you, thank you.

Shane, blessed me with humor, connection, and showed me I had value and worth. He would tell me, ‘You’re a princess, don’t you ever let anyone mistreat you!’

Oz gave love and support to me and the kids when we needed it most. Oz also taught me so much about business and life…oh and then he gave me a beautiful son. I had expanded my capacity to love myself and others.

Troy showed me what unconditional love feels like, and was masterful at creating fantastic adventures for us to explore and experience. I was finally able to embrace and express my creativity and accept all of me. All my good parts, all my messy parts, and let go of the greatest parts of my heavy and cumbersome baggage. How lucky was I to have something that made saying goodbye so hard.”

Oh hey wait, I was beginning to feel better, I saw that I didn’t have any failed relationships just a personal journey that created me.

And my next partner who you will all know as Tom…he takes my breath away and is the pinnacle of my life’s work!