Dating After Divorce: Yours, Mine, and Ours

10 Of The Most Important Tips For Becoming A Step Parent

I became part of what we now call a “blended family” or step-family long before there was a term for such things. I really didn’t know how to explain my new family dynamic to my friends. It was usually a long elaborate run on version of: 

“He is my dad now, but not really, he is not my REAL dad. My REAL dad died, and my mom just married this other guy." Or, “He is my brother, but not my REAL brother, my mom married his DAD.”

I found myself putting my own children in the same position years later after I’d fallen in love again and wanted to blend our families. At least we had a proper term and title by that time; however, there still wasn’t much in the way of help and support on how to actually go about the blending of families in a way that truly supported everyone, even the kids.  

This was important to me because I knew what it was like to be a kid caught up in a relationship that was not my choice… Because I loved and NEEDED my mom, I essentially I had to go along for the ride and felt somehow that I was also supposed to like it.  I didn’t, and neither did my kids!

I have personally lived on both sides of this experience; so needless to say, I have some important tips when it comes to becoming a step parent and creating a blended family.

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Read On For 10 Of The Most Important Tips For Becoming A Step Parent

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1. Your kids are not in love with this new person like you are. They are going along for the ride because of the need and love they have for their biological parent. They did not sign up for this. And typically the older they are, the more resistant they become.This represents a massive change in their life, and truth be told, they have a love and fondness for their OTHER biological parent, not this stranger.
   
   In my case, my father had died 10 years earlier. There was no option for me to hope things would go back to the way they were…but remember that most kids long for things to be the way they used to be with both biological parents getting back together.
   
   Don’t be surprised when you are faced with resistance; it will change with time as the relationship grows and flourishes. In the beginning, expect and plan for what I call “Transitional Anxiety.” Although everyone feels it, unfortunately, kids usually suffer with it the most.

2. Every family has a “Family System.” A Family System is the way a family interacts with each other, ie: how problems are solved, what issues are talked about and not talked about, and what behavior is okay and not okay.

   As straightforward as it may appear, family systems are very unique and important to each and every family. We are usually not aware of our own system until it is challenged.

   In the first year of Tom and I blending our children (we have 8 between the two of us), our family systems collided when our sons (one biological son from each of us) had a huge blowout fight! All at once Tom and I noticed huge differences in our family systems even though we had prided ourselves on how aligned and unified we were in our principles for parenting. You can read more about what happened and how we handled it in this post.
   
   It is this simple oversight that rocks step-families, especially in the beginning. And if such collisions are not handled well, the negative consequences last for many years to come.
   
   The immersion of different family systems needs to be expected, intentionally looked for, and honored. I encourage both families to realize no one family system is right or wrong. Provide room for both to co-exist, and this space will naturally evolve into a family system which serves everyone.  

3. Be kind and patient through the challenges of blending families. You will need to rely on each other as you navigate this new territory. It is going to take time.  
   
   On average it can take up to 5 years before everyone feels integrated into this new family experience. So, take a breath, and take it one day at a time.

4. Allow the children to voice their feelings about their experiences. They have their own set of fears and concerns as well. The relationship they are going to have with a step parent is going to grow over time, and is different from the relationship you have with your partner.

5. Avoid complaining to your partner about any given situation. Be vigilant about articulating your needs or wishes and clearly explain how those needs can bet met. Do you need him/her to be more involved in your child’s day-to-day life? Do you need ideas as to how to connect more with his/her child? Don’t expect your partner to read your mind! If you need help with becoming more comfortable with asking for what you want, check out this post. 

6. Support your partner’s relationship with his/her child. The worst thing you can do is expect that he or she chooses between you and the child. There is room for EVERYONE in this arrangement. Sure, it may challenge you as you begin to expand your own capacity to love; however, know that this expansion will ultimately provide you the experience you are seeking, which is family unity and connection.
   
   Respect and encourage your partner to nurture their relationship with their child and be sure to do the same with your own. This is actually one of the best ways to ensure that step-siblings get along with each other as it allows the child to begin to build trust and respect for this new person in their life. Acknowledging the “original family” helps children realize that they are still important, still special and that they aren’t lost in the new and bigger family. Make it a priority to spend time alone with your own child and encourage your partner to do the same.  

7. Create time together as a family. It is equally important to plan family activities with the entire family.
   
   Every Sunday for the first two years of our union, Tom and I gathered our family together for “Sunday Dinner.” This gave us a consistent time and place for all of us to gather together and build relationships between us. Now, we have Sunday Dinner monthly.

8. Discuss your parenting styles and discipline styles and come up with a set of “basic house rules” for both families. Together, communicate these to the kids. When it comes to discipline, each biological parent needs to maintain the responsibility for disciplining their own child. This is especially important in the beginning.  

9. Marriage or union does not give a step parent the rights of parenthood. Becoming a step-parent to a child is earned, along with the right to discipline. You earn this privilege by developing a relationship of trust, connection, and mutual respect between you and the child.  
   
   What are you supposed to do when you have a step child misbehaving?
   
   If you identify something that is troubling you with a step-child, take it to your partner and have an open and honest discussion about your concerns. Provide suggestions from your vantage point, and then allow the biological parent to implement the agreed upon actions. Trust and know that the biological parent knows what is ultimately best for the child, even if you as the step-parent disagree.

10. Keep any disagreement about discipline strategies away from the kids. This is a topic better discussed privately. Your goal should be to come up with a set of “family rules” that all of the kids need to adhere to and then to be aware of and respectful of each other’s rules for their own children. It is okay if there are differences.

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Our Big blended family: 

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I am not going to lie, creating a blended family takes effort, patience, and a whole lot of love. If you think about it though, the same can be said for any family one desires to create, biological or otherwise.

When it comes to creating family, my mind fondly drifts back in time and remembers this quote from Mrs. Doubtfire: 

“There are all sorts of different families,
Some families have one mommy,
some families have one daddy,
or even two families blended together.

Some children live with their uncle or aunt.
Some live with their grandparents,
and some children live with foster parents.

But if there's love, dear,
those are the ties that bind.
        And you'll have a family in your heart forever.”        

-Movie, 1993, Mrs. Doubtfire

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If You Would Like More Tips And Support Like These, Then You Must Check Out SAMBA! Coming To You Soon!

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Dating After Divorce: The Good, The Bad, And The Truth…About Love Advice

“No enemy is worse than bad advice.” –Sophocles

I recently came across an article titled “10 Pieces Of Really Bad Divorce Advice” and it got me thinking about advice in general. We all LOVE to give it. Giving advice is easy; it’s receiving it that is often the hard part. Sure, we may ask for it, but we usually don’t like to accept it unless it fits with what we were hoping to hear, even if it’s good advice, right? Well, what about when it’s bad advice? How do you separate the good from the bad? It can definitely be difficult.   

If you’d like to read the article about Bad Divorce Advice, you can find it here.

We created this Dating After Divorce series in large part BECAUSE of this problem. There is so much advice out there; our hope is that you now know where to come for valuable tools and insights...

Right here!

Some of the BAD ADVICE on the author’s list that I’ve also heard a lot throughout the years are:

• “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” (Oh yeah, that will fix everything!)
• “Wait at least a year before dating after divorce.” (Why, because the calendar knows more than me?)
• “Move on and stop feeling sorry for yourself.” (Believe me! I would if I knew how! It’s not like I am having a great time!)

The author briefly comments on these in the article but luckily for you, we’ve already written in great depth about these topics!  

If you haven’t been following along with our series, you will want to go back and read: “Dating After Divorce: How Do I Know When I’m Ready?” as well as “Dating After Divorce: Tips For Enjoying Your Dating Journey”

I feel it’s worth highlighting some of what I’ve shared with you in those posts again as a way of encouraging you to “try on” a new perspective and see if it resonates and empowers you.

May I share a new perspective on advice as a whole that I hope you will take to heart?  

I am certain it will help you navigate through the volumes of love advice you will find on the internet.

At Lease On Love, we don’t just give advice (that’s easy); we also teach skills, provide you with tools, and suggest new perspectives; all of which is designed to inspire you to embrace more love and less fear in your life…right now!

Why? 

Who am I to tell you what is right for you? That is your job.  

I don’t know your past, your upbringing, your hopes, your dreams, your challenges…but you do.  

So here is the deal, I promise to share with you all I have learned, share my own personal journey on how I finally created toe tingling love in my own life, and provide you with some methods and tools I designed to support and inspire you on your journey...I am very passionate about my work!

However:

At the end of the day, you have to use the tools, be curious and coachable, and ask…

Is this working for me?

You and only you will know the answer.

Not me. And truth is, nobody else…I don’t care who they are.

I want to inspire you to follow your gut, NOT the calendar, and not some love guru! 

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Pay attention to your own knowing and wisdom and stop doubting yourself. Give yourself credit for all you have experienced in your life up till now. 

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You and you alone will know when it is time for you to begin dating again. When you’re ready, you’re ready. It could be in two months or it could be in two years. 

Don’t let anyone rush you and don’t try to rush yourself. 

Conversely, don’t feel guilty if you’re ready to get back out there sooner than expected. This is not somebody else’s journey. This is your journey! Claim it, take possession of it, and live it fully!

My real message to you today is to remind you of this simple truth…

You have all the answers inside of you. And regardless of all the well-intentioned love gurus, YOU and YOU alone know what is best for YOU!

I encourage you to relax about things, take a breath and be easy on yourself.

There will be plenty of time for you to find your “someone special." This is not a race. It is your life! 

Stop focusing on the “destination,” and instead create a memorable dating journey you will fondly share stories about for years to come!

Uh oh…Was that advice?  

Journey on my friend. I believe in YOU!

Thanks for being here with me today.

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If You Would Like More Tips And Support Like These, Then You Must Check Out SAMBA! Coming To You Soon!

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Life can be a three-ring shit show…but how do you dance through it?

“I'm so tired of life!” a client said to me. “I find myself pushing so hard and collapsing completely with no outlet in sight. Continuing forward while I trudge through monotony makes me feel so alone. You've lived through so many challenges Stace, how do you stay so hopeful and motivated?”

There is nothing worse than feeling like you’re spinning your wheels and getting nowhere. A day-to-day experience of feeling stuck. The preverbal rewind of the same old crap we shoveled through yesterday…and here it is again today. This will wear you out emotionally, mentally, and physically, and fast!!! 

We say to ourselves in our humanness, “If I can just figure out who is to blame for this three-ring shit show that I call my life, the shit show will end, and I can move on and finally be…HAPPY! I will finally get to go for my dreams, be a great parent, pay my bills, go to school, be productive, solve ALL of my problems, and find someone who truly loves me!”

And it seems that until we can come up with some answers for who is to blame for all of our shit, we wait, and hope for it to get better, and wait, and wait, and wait, and occasionally in our waiting we ask:

“Do I know who to blame yet?”  

“Have they accepted blame for causing my shit show?”

“Am I feeling better yet?”  

“Nope! Ok…” sigh, “I will wait some more…”

Are you waiting around to be happy and to experience joy, love, and connection in your life?

If so, today I am here to shake you up and say don’t wait!

Waiting creates more shit, and when I think of shit, I think of it as being sticky, stinky, dark, and lonely.

Regardless of what your challenges and problems are today in your relationships or otherwise; I encourage you to use your ability to make a choice (cause you are not going to feel like it) and create the best experience you can in this moment. 

Something that you can DO to feel better, not fantastic…just better, even if everything else is a three-ring shit show in your life. Yes even if you are fighting with your partner, your kids, your boss, or the neighbors.  

Yes, even if you can’t pay the bills, yes, even when you don’t know how to manage life and you’re tired, and feel like shit!
  
Choose a small step you can do right now that will get you out of hell or at least give you a moment of reprieve from it!  

Do something that makes you feel better. It just takes a little bit of better to make a huge difference.

Here are some things that I have done to take small steps out of my shit towards feeling better that has worked for me over the years:

1. Take a Break
When my kids were all small and my then husband was struggling with his bipolar disorder, life could get pretty intense. When I needed a break, I would slip out into the garage and into the family station wagon where I had a pillow and a Diet Coke stashed under the front seat. I would scream in a pillow for as long as necessary, and then turn on my favorite radio station and sip my Diet Coke in peace. I could then walk back into the house feeling a bit more ease and thinking to myself, “Ok, I got this!”
 
2. Get Physical
Dancing and music have always been great tools for helping me manage the challenges of life. Many times while my kids were growing up, we would load up the stereo with Natalie Cole and Michael Jackson CDs and just dance ourselves silly. It did wonders for all of us to just let go of life for a minute.

I will never forget a time right after my divorce. The kids and I had just moved into a condo on the second floor (god bless our neighbor that lived below us). Of course the music and dancing ritual started shortly afterward. Our neighbor downstairs would often knock on our door asking us to turn it down…I must confess, I would reply to him: “Oh those kids and their loud music, no problem I will tell them to turn it down!” Until one day the music was so loud I could not hear him knocking, so he politely walked in to see me dancing to the blaring music all by myself. He was as stunned as I was!

Dancing to music has always helped me feel so much better. 

3. Do Something Different, Silly And Ridiculous
Oh, I have a lot of this! The silly and ridiculous causes me to forget about all of my problems and upsets while fueling my soul with new life. I have so many examples I could share, as I learned this skill at a young age from my wonderful mom as she inspired us to carry on after the death of my dad.
One summer afternoon many years back, I had had enough of life so I packed up the kids and headed to the park even though the house was a mess, wait…everything was a mess! My life was a mess!

I took with us the usual sand pails and shovels and then swung by the grocery store and picked up a 25lb bag of flour and put it in the trunk. 

I was having yet another different, silly, ridiculous idea!

As we pulled into the park, I popped the trunk, opened the flour and scooped up some with a sand pail and threw it at the kids and screamed FLOUR FIGHT! They were stunned for a minute but quickly caught on grabbing a pail and some flour of their own. 

The fight was ON!

And much to everyone’s surprise…the sprinklers at the park kicked on just about the time we ran out of flour. We ran through the sprinklers in an attempt to wash off the flour. Instead, we all found ourselves covered in flour paste. This is still an experience my kids and I talk about fondly to this day.

(FYI: Something we discovered about this activity, if you are going to attempt this, I recommend not throwing the flour directly into the face, as it causes you to not be able to breathe for a moment. Who knew?!)

Get the list of some of my other favorite different, silly, ridiculous ideas, which are sure to inspire you, cause a smile, and create lasting memories! You can get them here:

Download Your FREE List of 20 Different, Silly, and Ridiculous Ideas here!

4. Create Moments Of Connection With Others
As humans, we are uplifted when we feel a connection with someone, and it does not need to take a lot of time. It can be as simple as a conversation and smile exchange with the cashier at the grocery store or a fellow patron.

If you need a bit of help with this, follow a child’s example by asking questions. And like a child, they begin with: “Hi, what’s your name?” We are surrounded with abundant opportunities to connect with others every day, and it is up to us to take advantage of them.

Another way I like to create the connection is by spending time with my kids and grandkids. Most often kids are so oblivious to the responsibilities of adulating they are gifts to help us find joy in any right now. It is their silliness that I treasure the most! 

I love spending time with people who love and accept me. My partner Tom turns my light on and causes my toes to tingle. Most nights after dinner, we spend time together with a glass of wine, or a cup of tea. It is like being on the battery charger for me. This is an important ritual for us even when we are busier than a one-armed paperhanger!

I also call and hang out with my now adult kids (they’re my BFF’s). I call and connect with my sister and brothers and people I am privileged and honored to call friends.

Spending time with people who love and care about me helps me realize that if all I have is love, the love of my partner, my children, my family and friends, life suddenly begins to have meaning and purpose again. 

When we share our lives with others, we get caught up in their karma; and when their karma is positive, it provides us with the delightful experience of renewal.

The short answer I gave to my client was: “I create simple and sometimes silly ways to just feel a little better. Build a fort, go for a walk, dance, read an inspiring book, try and do a somersault. Have a squirt gun fight, meditate, do some yoga, do something new and out of the ordinary. Create a reason to laugh, connect, and give someone a kiss.”

By doing things like these I felt better enough to try again, to take another step, to hope in the journey of life again.

How about you? What would be something that you could do at this very moment to help you dance through a three-ring shit show?  

Feeling a little bit better is just moments away when you make a choice to do something instead of waiting!  

The challenges and problems of the day will wait while you live and refuel to face them. Don’t wait until you solve them all before you allow yourself to create enjoyable moments in your life. 

The truth is we never get them all solved. It’s what keeps things interesting!  
    
It is the simple things that will change your life. Go now, and JUST DO IT even though you don’t feel like it!

I am right here cheering you on and saying, “You’ve got this."

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What Trips Us Up is What We Cover UP!

My heart began pounding out of my chest as I saw Lynn Warburton, the man that was sure to be my first TRUE love, pull into my driveway. Windows down in his brand new silver Z28 with a T-Top while Foreigner’s song “Urgent” filled the summer night air.

“Act glamorous and sophisticated,” I thought to myself as I quickly put on some gloss and fluffed my hair. I repositioned myself on the front porch of my house by crossing my legs and slipping off my sandals.

Lynn turned the car off and walked over to join me on the porch. “I saw you on the porch,” he said, “so I thought I would stop by…”

“I am so glad you did,” I replied while flashing him my sexiest smile and tilting my head slightly.

It did not take long before we found ourselves getting as cozy as we could without being inappropriate. We had not known each other terribly long, however, we were both sending out signals to each other that we were interested in getting closer.

Lynn found his place on the porch by sitting one step below me and positioned between my legs. I gently placed my hands on his shoulders as we began to ask each about our days and our lives.

There was just one problem in all of this for me…I had to PEEE and BAD! See unbeknownst to Lynn, I had been on the porch for the last two hours, doing some writing, and had successfully finished an entire two-liter bottle of my favorite beverage at the time…TAB.

After wrestling in my mind for a few minutes with the question of, “Do I say I need to pee or just hold it until he leaves?” I decided I would just hold it until he leaves, because announcing that you need to pee is not glamorous or sophisticated and I was determined to be both. 

All was going well for a good 20 or 30 minutes and then, all at once, a bit of teasing began and he promptly said, “I am going to tickle you!” while leaning back on my bladder to reach my armpits.

I lost control and…I peed down his back. I couldn’t help it. He was sitting on my very full bladder and it shot down his neck, soaked the back of his shirt and the top of his pants!

I sprang to my feet to see that my own pants were dripping wet and a puddle of pee had accumulated on the porch where I stood.

As I looked up from my pee puddle, their stood Lynn searching for something to say to me and our eyes locked. We both remained speechless for several minutes while we independently assessed what the hell just happened!?

Lynn broke the silence and said, “I am just going to go now and pretend like this never happened!” 

“Great idea,” I replied…doing my best to continue to appear sophisticated and glamorous.

I quickly reached for the front door, ran inside, shut and then locked it just to make sure I was safe and alone inside. I then closed my eyes tightly in the hopes that I would wake from a terrible dream.

"Did that really just happen?” I thought to myself.

Yep! Sure did…damn IT! So much for being glamorous!

That experience was one of my first lessons about the importance of self-disclosure and I remember it vividly every time I find myself thinking, “I really don’t want to share this right now, but I probably need to.”

If you know you need to reveal important details about you and your life to another person (and we all know what that feeling feels like), consider these two important thoughts:

Sharing personal details we find uncomfortable to disclose will not become more comfortable with time.

If it feels uncomfortable today, it will be more uncomfortable tomorrow from avoiding the very topic you don’t want to discuss.

And oft times, the need to avoid these conversations quickly turns into lies, little white lies at first that then turn into bigger lies that eventually create a mess: i.e. a puddle on the porch. 

In fact, what trips us up, is the cover up of who we really are, and what we really need and desire to be happy.

The cover up also prevents us from sharing all of ourselves with another, so hence we are not giving all of ourselves to be loved which in the ends robs us of our greatest human NEED: CONNECTION.

To feel fully loved and accepted for who we truly are, brings about life’s greatest sense of fulfillment.

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“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert

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When you are filled with something that you know you need to share, I promise you, it is easier in the long run to take a deep breath and share it; otherwise, you are risking the very connection you are using to justify the reason you’re not sharing anyway. 

Take it from me, putting it off doesn’t work, it just makes a huge mess when the pressure becomes so intense you pee your pants!

If you need help and support with disclosing details about yourself, we have steps to get you started that we call “The Practice.”

Get your 4-step guide to practicing here!

You can get even more tools to help you disclose something by learning and practicing C.P.T. C.P.T is like C.P.R in that it will bring you back to life. 

We teach you what C.P.T is right here on our blog. To access the 4-part series and get started with C.P.T, click here.

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EAT, PRAY, AND LOVE TRANSFORMS

Hearts were broken all over the world recently when Elizabeth Gilbert announced her separation from her husband Jose after 12 years of being together.

The news travelled fast and was all over social media in just one short hour after her eloquent post on Facebook:

"Dear Ones -

Because I have shared details of my private life with you all so intimately over the years, I feel the need to share with you this recent change in my personal life.

I am separating from the man whom many of you know as "Felipe" — the man whom I fell in love with at the end of the EAT PRAY LOVE journey. He has been my dear companion for over 12 years, and they have been wonderful years. Our split is very amicable. Our reasons are very personal."

The comments began flying in and, although many were sympathetic and filled with love and support, there were also many more which expressed broken hopes and dreams for creating love in their own lives because of this separation. 

My own heart broke when I started reading comments such as this:

“Do you know how often I think ‘at least there’s that one person with that one amazing journey who found forever in love in an unlikely place!’ I quit!"

I thought to myself, I have got to do something about the faulty beliefs we have about LOVE.

It seems that what we expect love to be, and how it should be expressed has become so twisted for so many and we are becoming so bitter.

Download Your FREE GUIDE to The 20 Most Devastating Beliefs About Love here! Do you have any of them?

In her book Big Magic, Elizabeth talks about inspiration being a force of its own and never promises you anything except asking, “Do you want to take a ride?” 

Inspiration does not promise to pay the bills, solve your life’s problems and take away your worries…it promises an adventurous ride. I believe the same can be said for love. 

See, love does not promise you forever with another, it also does not promise to pay your bills, or solve your life’s problems; very often LOVE adds more problems and bills…just ask Tom!  I remind him often: “Baby, I am worth it!”

But what love DOES promise is an unforgettable ride of discovery, experience, and expansion of life.

I can now hear the words of the late Leo Buscaglia, one of my favorite authors on Love:

“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.”

This is the purpose and mission of LOVE: to bring about the continual becoming of YOU!

Love is the best way to grow, to live and experience life.

AND

If you are going to answer the call of love…get ready, it is going to be an unforgettable ride!!

So please don’t quit on love! 

It is not always about being with someone forever; it is about expanding yourself and growing a magnificent you for a glorious life!

And when our relationships come “to an end” as we like to say in our modern world…love does not leave, it grows and transforms into something different.  

Only, we don’t talk about how love transforms into something else. We instead try to pretend the relationship never happened and we work hard to cut it out of our experience and move on hopeful to the next…all the while thinking this will solve the pain caused from loving!

The pain that comes from loving is our disappointment for what once was, and for what might have been. It is not the absence of LOVE. If love was absent, you would not feel disappointed; you would feel indifferent.

When you have loved and been loved by another, and your relationship comes to an end, it is so OK to continue to love and appreciate things about your past relationship. Yes, even if you are in a different relationship now with someone else.   

The pain caused from loving is increased when loving is suspended, and the pain caused from loving is decreased by loving more. Do your best to find value from each person you have experienced feelings of love with…and be diligent in nurturing the love that is in your life right now. Be grateful for LOVE’S presence, and if it becomes time for love to transform, quickly reach for LOVE elsewhere. For love is abundantly everywhere.

Elizabeth and Jose, I celebrate your love, and I honor the life you have shared and created together. It has touched and inspired so many of us to believe and reach for love again. And now, as your relationship grows into something different, may we all be reminded that love continues on in our hearts even though it may transform. 

Thank you both for your courage to share yourselves with the world. Our hearts are with you now as we send you back some of the love you so freely gave.

For the rest of you, go now and experience some LOVE! Tell someone you love them! Do it now, don’t wait!

And by the way….I LOVE YOU! 

Sending you loads of extraordinary love that tingle your toes, and the power to create it!

Would this blog post be helpful to a friend or family member or an old boyfriend or girlfriend? Is there someone that could use some love from you?

Please…pass it along. We all need a little love & support from time to time.

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