I was crashing hard!
My 13-year marriage had ended and I found myself single with 5 kids and 2 cats. Love had betrayed me! I had done all the right things, given my all, abided by the rules of my religion and still found myself divorced and alone.
Along with questioning my religion, and adjusting to being a single mom, I decided to swear off love and relationships forever more…who needed them anyway?
Christmas is just around the corner; can you believe it?
You’re not alone if the thought of planning a date around the holidays sends you into panic mode. We often place a lot of pressure on ourselves this time of year. We feel the need to be creative, festive, jolly…when oftentimes, we’re feeling anything BUT.
Luckily for you, we have a list of simple but memorable ideas you can use to plan a fantastic date around the holidays. Your date won’t have a clue that you left the planning to the last minute!
These ideas are ideal for a second or third date, and are also perfect for those already in a relationship…you can even use our list to “date your spouse.” Oh, behave!
1. Wrap Presents: Chances are you already have this on your “to do” list anyway so why not do it together? If you’re both already done with your gift wrapping duties, you could combine this idea with number 2 and donate a gift to someone in need.
2. Make A Charitable Contribution: Deliver a meal to local seniors and people with disabilities via your local Meals on Wheels, donate a toy to your local Toys for Tots collection center, contribute to the Operation Care Packages “Send Santa To The Troops” Christmas campaign…these are just a few of the many, MANY opportunities available to you around the holidays. Spending time together while doing something good for those in need is a wonderful way to strengthen your bond.
3. Make Ornaments: Show off your creative side! Don’t worry, you don’t have to be especially crafty for this one. You’ll just need to round up a few supplies (you might even already have some at home). We suggest buying either clear, fillable ornaments (filling ideas: small pinecones, fake snow, glitter, confetti, small figures…) or solid colored ornaments that you can draw on with paint pens or decorate by gluing on small trimmings like ribbon, buttons, pom poms, etc. Make sure to write the year somewhere on the ornament! As the years go by, you’ll be happy to have the date to go along with a fun memory.
Holiday Light Tour: Grab a hot chocolate to-go and take a walk around a neighborhood known for having beautiful light displays. If you don’t have anything within walking distance (or it’s too cold to enjoy the outdoors), you can still enjoy the lights from the comfort of your car and with the bonus of being able to turn on some holiday tunes!
5. Christmas Movie: Check your local listings to see if any theaters in your area are showing Christmas classics. No luck? Then host a movie night at your place and rent one or two of your holiday favorites! If you need some inspiration, you can find a great list of the best Christmas movies here.
Our personal favorites are The Santa Clause and Christmas Vacation.
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We would love to hear your ideas for planning a simple and stress-free date around the holidays. Please post them in the comments below!
Happy Holiday Dating!
You’re moody, feeling down, hopeless, tired all the time, you've lost your ability to enjoy even the simplest of life’s pleasures…if you’re fresh out of a bad breakup or divorce, or your noticing that the holidays are not creating feelings of comfort and joy, you’re not alone.
These are common symptoms of grief after the loss of a relationship. However, what you may not realize, is that these are also identical symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as S.A.D.
“Seasonal affective disorder is a type of depression that's related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you're like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody (1)."
The end of relationship can be difficult no matter the time of year, however for many people, it’s doubly worse when it occurs alongside a change in season or around the holidays.
4 to 6 percent of U.S. residents suffer from SAD and up to 20 percent may have a mild form of it that starts in the fall or early winter (2).
Recognizing the symptoms of SAD and proactively taking immediate action will help to minimize its effects, and is extremely important.
Here are some impactful yet simple ways you can reduce S.A.D.'s impact right now.
These tips can also be great if you experiencing some holiday blues, too.
Move Your Body: We all know that exercise is good for the body but did you know that it’s equally good for your brain? Studies show that exercise can treat mild to moderate depression as effectively as antidepressant medication (5). It relieves tension, boosts your energy, can help you sleep better at night and increases self-esteem. If you don’t already have an activity you like to do, now is the perfect time to try something new. And it exposes you to sunlight. Yahoo!
Vitamin D: Research seems to show a link between low levels of vitamin D in the blood and symptoms of depression. However, researchers don’t know whether taking a vitamin D supplement, or getting more vitamin D by exposing the skin to the sun, will help to prevent or ease the symptoms of depression in some people. Generally, a little bit of sun exposure is linked to a better mood and there are many anecdotal reports of increased energy and overall better mood after taking Vitamin D supplements (4). It may not be guaranteed to help you but it’s also unlikely to cause you harm. As always, it’s best to discuss with your doctor before beginning any supplement program at home.
Healthy Diet: While there isn’t any one specific diet plan proved to fight off feelings of depression, eating healthy can help lessen symptoms and improve your overall health. Learn more about diet and depression here.
Light therapy: During light therapy, you sit or work near a device called a light therapy box. The box gives off bright light that mimics natural outdoor light. Light therapy is thought to affect brain chemicals linked to mood and sleep, easing SAD symptoms (3). There are many products available (a quick search of “Light therapy” or “light therapy lamp” will deliver hundreds of results) that you can use at home, no matter your budget.
Laugh: Laughter is the best medicine and my favorite remedy! We’ve all heard it before but it really applies in this case! “Laughter causes the body to release into the bloodstream high concentrations of different hormones and neuropeptides related to feelings of happiness, bonding, tolerance, generosity, compassion and unconditional love (6).” Watch a funny movie, grab a friend and head to an improv night or comedy show or simply find a mirror and make silly faces at yourself…strange as it may sound, it just might work!
Connect With Others: Surround yourself with people who cause you to feel supported and cared for. A simple hug from someone can cause us to feel better in just a brief moment.
And remember, don’t expect to go from feeling depressed to overjoyed.
You are looking to feel better!
You will experience the feelings of overjoyed one step at a time as you continue to take proactive steps toward your wellbeing.
It just takes a little bit of better, to make a huge difference.
If you find yourself really struggling and unable to pull yourself out of “the hole,” please, reach out for help, and know that you are NOT alone.
If your thoughts turn to ending your own life, help IS available! The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Call anytime, toll free: 1-800-273-8255.
Lastly, I remind you that…
You are a spectacular human being who has unique gifts and talents as well as life experiences that are valuable to the rest of us.
We all need each other; we all need YOU!
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We’ve all been hurt before. If there is one thing we ALL have in common, it’s the simple fact that we have all felt hurt, rejected, disappointed or scared at one point in time. This is an undeniable truth.
And what quickly follows with these types of experiences are strong feelings that tend to close us off to others as we vow to “never trust again!”
We correlate the act of trust or putting faith in another person with never being disappointed or getting hurt again EVER…
If we DO feel pain or rejection or any of the other undesirable feelings, we feel the painstaking emotions of broken trust all over again. It is this fear of betrayal is what keeps us from letting go and trusting others.
So, what are we supposed to do once we’ve become victim to the “never again” self-protection mentality?
Ernest Hemingway said, “The best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.” Sounds ridiculously simplistic, right?
The fact of the matter is, it IS that hard and yet simple. What you need first and foremost is the courage to trust again, practice to feel more comfortable, and time to heal and move on.
Courage: Courage is strength in the face of fear or pain. This may come as a surprise to you but courage is a SKILL and it can be developed!
Practice: As with anything, practice makes perfect. The more opportunities you take to practice trusting, the greater your ability to have faith in others will be.
Time: Time is required for us to learn something new, create new beginnings, contemplate ourselves and ask questions to understand others more intimately, and to reconcile our fears.
There is no magic wand that will allow you to immediately trust again. Give yourself permission to take the time you need to work on re-learning skills that will last a lifetime. However, keep in mind that while time may heal wounds, it doesn’t restore trust. Trust is a choice.
It may seem like an impossible task at first, but if you make a conscious effort to practice developing the trust within yourself. You can discover that your experience was not wrong and instead look for the value from it; and then to use this experience to develop your confidence in yourself to figure things out as you go.
Well my friend, it is then you can then step in and love as big as you desire!
This is the change in you that WILL happen and much to your surprise, you will find yourself experiencing a sense of gratitude for this supposed mistake/misfortune.
If you’re still not convinced, think of the alternative. Would you rather remain isolated and alone in an effort to protect your fears and feelings for the rest of your life?
A life without companionship and love? Even if you can convince yourself that you could be content like without love and deep connection, would it be the most meaningful and fulfilling existence possible for you?
Remember this: What you spend most of your time thinking about becomes your reality. Is it going to be your fears of past relationships?
I want you to know that you have the power to create your own path, and, yes, to deeply love another again!
If you are ready to open yourself up again but need a little support, we are here for you!
At Lease On Love, we have a practice we call CPT…
CPT is an effective remedy for not letting your fears of intimacy and commitment run AND ruin your relationship. And, it is simple and easy to do with a little practice.
CPT is kind of like CPR in that both remedies will revive you and bring you back to life…and LOVE!
Get all the details here, and begin building the trust within YOU!
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In a previous post, I shared that one of my clients had asked me, “Why is it so difficult to ask my partner for what I truly want, especially when it comes to our relationship?” This was such a great question and one that continues to arrive at my mediation door often. This topic is so important and something I'm very passionate about. I’ve updated my response and hope you find it even more valuable.
Asking for what you want has far more risks and rewards that just getting, or perhaps not getting, your request granted. Many of us think that we don’t even need to bother asking for what we want, because at the end of the day you believe it doesn’t matter…it bears no consequence one way or another. Perhaps you find yourself saying, "It’s no big deal," "Oh I probably won’t get it anyway," or "I will just do it myself!" Sound familiar?
Here is where I want you to picture me on a roof top shouting:
"It So Matters!"
“Oh my god, I’m alone. ALONE.”
“I’m single…I haven’t been single in years; I don’t even know how to be single anymore!”
“I’m a failure, what’s wrong with me?”
Dating After Divorce: Do You Find Yourself Asking: Who Am I?
Does any of this sound familiar? I know when I found myself single after 13 years of marriage, I sure felt this way.
Whether it was a long time coming or a complete surprise, divorce is sure to stir up some major feelings. It’s completely natural to feel panicked once the dust settles. After all, you’re beginning a new chapter in your life and change, even when welcomed, can bring anxiety caused by uncertainty.